~

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you were gone. Everyone does at some point in their life. Many think about if they would be missed, weather people would regret doing thing that drive you to this. These things don’t make people kill themselves. People the kill themselves don’t really think about the person and say to themselves “They’ll regret ever doing that” or “I hope they remember the time where they pushed me that little bit too far”. Oh no, it’s more simple than all this.

If someone wants to kill themselves they will. People think about doing it, and get very close. But don’t actually do it. It’s my understanding that this is because they think about the other people in their life that they will leave. They think about the people that they will hurt as a result. Personally there would be one person that I wouldn’t mind placing some sort of guilt on. My mother. Now I know that I said that people don’t think about placing guilt on someone and making them feel bad about it. But the thing is, I don’t care if she feels bad or not. Deep down inside I don’t.

Many months ago I wrote a letter. A letter that I was going to post on the internet explaining my actions. I came to realize after writing it that I would hurt more people. My grandmother, my sister, my friends and possibly my stepfather. I though, it’s not worth it. Nothing is worth anything these days.

As depression gets at me more and more, what am I to do? I mean, I think about killing myself almost every day. It’s amazing about how I used to think about it, and how I do now. 4 years ago I would be creative and dramatic, somewhat not real at all, just a phase. As time went on, and things got worse and worse. Year 12, the HSC. It’s something that everyone measures you by, and when you can’t get through it then you think about other things. Now when I think about killing myself. It’s as simple as jumping out of the window.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Anonymous, alone, but surrounded. Like the odd one out in a crowd but I still look the same. Its deeper, harder to see. It’s what depression does to you. I ask anyone that reads this to find that friend that is sad, alone or just not right. And talk to them, ask them, don’t back down after they tell you their fine. Keep at it. I would give anything for people to do this to others.

Remember that year 12, NSW, HSC. Is a hard time for a lot of people. And if it’s not the HSC that’s getting to them, its something else. Or a combination of things. This is true for me, and true for many many others out there. Not just in New South Wales. But in the entire world.
Depression kills, and its tools are all around us.

By a year 12 student. ~ Alive on the outside, dying on the inside.