Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you were gone. Everyone does at some point in their life. Many think about if they would be missed, weather people would regret doing thing that drive you to this. These things don’t make people kill themselves. People the kill themselves don’t really think about the person and say to themselves “They’ll regret ever doing that” or “I hope they remember the time where they pushed me that little bit too far”. Oh no, it’s more simple than all this.
If someone wants to kill themselves they will. People think about doing it, and get very close. But don’t actually do it. It’s my understanding that this is because they think about the other people in their life that they will leave. They think about the people that they will hurt as a result. Personally there would be one person that I wouldn’t mind placing some sort of guilt on. My mother. Now I know that I said that people don’t think about placing guilt on someone and making them feel bad about it. But the thing is, I don’t care if she feels bad or not. Deep down inside I don’t.
Many months ago I wrote a letter. A letter that I was going to post on the internet explaining my actions. I came to realize after writing it that I would hurt more people. My grandmother, my sister, my friends and possibly my stepfather. I though, it’s not worth it. Nothing is worth anything these days.
As depression gets at me more and more, what am I to do? I mean, I think about killing myself almost every day. It’s amazing about how I used to think about it, and how I do now. 4 years ago I would be creative and dramatic, somewhat not real at all, just a phase. As time went on, and things got worse and worse. Year 12, the HSC. It’s something that everyone measures you by, and when you can’t get through it then you think about other things. Now when I think about killing myself. It’s as simple as jumping out of the window.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Anonymous, alone, but surrounded. Like the odd one out in a crowd but I still look the same. Its deeper, harder to see. It’s what depression does to you. I ask anyone that reads this to find that friend that is sad, alone or just not right. And talk to them, ask them, don’t back down after they tell you their fine. Keep at it. I would give anything for people to do this to others.
Remember that year 12, NSW, HSC. Is a hard time for a lot of people. And if it’s not the HSC that’s getting to them, its something else. Or a combination of things. This is true for me, and true for many many others out there. Not just in New South Wales. But in the entire world.
Depression kills, and its tools are all around us.
By a year 12 student. ~ Alive on the outside, dying on the inside.
8 comments:
Hey
You say in your post to find someone that is sad or alone and talk to them...
It might seem to you that you're alone but there are people out there that care about you (that's how I found this blog).
I can understand that the HSC seems stressful but it really isn't the end. You probably heard people say this a million times but it's true. I didn't believe it either until I finished.
You should really talk to someone about your feelings. Maybe a good friend or school counselor?
You can also call Life Line on 13 11 14 (it's a 24 hour number) and talk to someone there.
Take Care,
Sabbo
You're not alone, the complete opposite.
I was extremely suicidal last year. I wrote letters, I had it all planned but someone would always say something that would stop me. It was actually one of my teachers who cared enough to be worried and look out for me, even though they never knew I was suicidal, that kept me from going through with it. I owe them my life and they don't even know it.
My point is that there's always someone who cares about you. You have friends, family, teachers, neighbours... reach out to one of them. Tell them and let them help you. You're not as alone as you think. Even some random stranger on the internet cares enough to tell you to not do it.
Hang in there, seriously.
Hey buddy,
You need to remember that you're not alone. There's always someone there in your background to support you, but only your visions are been fogged up.
Unfortunately, many people go through this phase that you are facing. I've been through it too. But you need to speak out, tell your close friends about it. Or even, see your school's counselor. When you talked it all out, it's a different feeling.
And people do care for you. I don't even know you, but I know how you feel and I care for you.
Stay Safe.
Frankie
It is my firm belief that after such inane crap that ensuring your own swift death would be perhaps the most productive thing you've ever done.
Yes lots of people consider suicide an option. But its an easy way out. Rather than holding onto your problems internally, try confronting them. Sort them out. There's always an answer, or someone willing to help.
The HSC is only a pathway to University. But there are so many alternative pathways to get where you want in Australia. Theres TAFE, work, college, and heaps of university pathways like Foundation Studies (UNSW), Insearch(UTS), etc etc. If you're interested, google 'Alternative Pathways' and the Uni you want to go to. There are many other countries, where they don't have these options after their HSC. And most children in 3rd world countries can't afford education. Consider your life lucky.
At your age, you have so much potential, don't waste your chance.
Hey,
My brother tried to kill himself last year and didn't go through with it, my best friend did. I love my brother with all my heart and each day I have with him is a huge blessing. And I love my best mate too, and miss him so so much. He felt like you did - alone and as if noone cared. But people DO care. My heart wouldnt have been shattered by his death if I didnt care SO much and love him SO much.
He was sick. He had depression, and that distorts your vision and your emotions. Dont give up now whilst your seeing the world through clouded eyes. YOU CAN feel better. My brother is a perfect example of that. After 6 years of depression, he is now completing his HSC with happiness and strength in his heart because he can finially see how loved he is.
I know it hurts. I know you feel desperate to get out of this life, but I'm begging you to try and hold on until after the HSC, and then a little longer, and a little longer. Because you WILL feel ok again, and when you do, you will look back on this day and think thank god I didnt give away my entire life.
Take care of yourself.
Im thinking of you.
Sending Love
Soph
Please go and get some help from professionals - you can get through this, people do care.
The HSC really isn't the end of the world - if you want to get into uni, then you can always apply when you are 21 as a mature age student - just as I did.
I did my HSC a while ago and a girl I grew up with in Primary School took her own life due to the pressures of HSC. Just recently I found a handmade card that I had made her for her 10th birthday that I never gave to her. It was still sealed in the envelope until I opened it. I now keep it near my noticeboard on my desk with my uni dates, to remind myself that life is too short, and that there are more important things in the world than uni work. If only she was still here to know that...
When I was 16 I knew that no one cared. Because if they did then they would ask you right? If someone cared then they would see you upset and depressed and try to help you. But they didn't.
No one did. Not my parents, not my family, not my friends. I wanted someone to see me and I knew that if I killed myself then everyone would not only notice me but be affected by me.
I've seen it. I've seen how a suicide rocks an entire school. He went from being a nobody to being a somebody. We all cried for him.
And I wanted that. I wanted my entire school to know who I was. To know that they could have done something, should have done something. I wanted my family to feel guilty for ignoring me. Their way of dealing with my bad moods and anger was to leave me alone.
I tried it. I got that far. I wrote a letter. I planned it. And no one stopped me. There was no one who cared enough to stop me. I didn't go through with it.
You wouldn't believe me if I tell you the story. Or maybe you would I dunno, ask me and find out.
I look back on this time. I'm 21 now. I can't believe how close I got. I didn't have anyone.
If you want someone I'm here. I'll listen.
The guy at my school who killed himself? I try but I can't remember his name.
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